Fuudon Noodle Productions

I decided I wanted to see The Forbidden Kingdom when my friend described it to me as “a live action anime type kung fu movie with Jackie-chan in it. And Jet Li.” Not to mention that each time I went to see it I didn’t have to pay either time.
Dude. Righteous.

What really got me hooked was seeing the ‘white haired assassin.’ Though the “HAIR NINJA” thing has been done and beaten to death, it’s still cool to see a woman take out men WITH HER HAIR.
Past this zone I warn you, I will tell all I can remember to tell. SPOILERZ basically. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Bitch whiners don’t be comin’ to my door with no shit.

Forbidden Kingdom did a great job advertising. I had no idea that the story was based on an average American Boy obsessed with kung-fu flicks. I thought that was pretty clever. I also LOVED that the story revolved around the Monkey God (cleverly named; Monkey.) He’s popular in most Chinese myths. I thought that was a good grounding for a kung-fu epic. (Not to mention, Jet Li’s monkey costume was FANTASTIC.)

Speaking of costumes, they weren’t traditionally Chinese for most of the women. Did anyone else notice that some of them had more European like dress with asian-esque fabrics and hairstyles? An interesting creative choice from the costumers.
The ridiculous armor was nice too for the Jade Emperor, but I can’t say I was too fond of the sparkly green eyeshadow. It became a joke between my friends and I throughout the movie.
For example:
When the soldier comes to tell him that the staff is being returned to the Monkey God, my friend Gregory promptly leans over and says “We need to edit that to say “My Lord, we are out of green!”
Really, I think it’s a novel idea.

The battles were wonderful, all gravity defying aside; But is anyone really surprised? It’s Jackie-chan and Jet Li for Christ sake.
Most of the time they were fighting the Jade Emperor’s soldiers in their quest to return the golden staff to the Monkey god. I thought this was a lot like Star Wars; Warriors in bulky armor in the hundreds of thousands with incompetent fighting skills that could easily be taken out. Sort of like Storm troopers.

The best battle is fought between Jackie-chan and Jet Li. I think they could have rolled the credits after their fight and everyone would have gone home satisfied. I think it’s sort of fun that they show you very distinct styles before they fight with them. IE; The Tiger, Crab, Praying Mantis, Eagle, etc.
One of the coolest effects was surprisingly one with sound. During the fight between Jackie-chan and Jet Li, Jackie is using Tiger to fight with. While he slashes away they put in the sound of a tiger roaring angrily. It might have been simple, but I was mighty impressed.

I was also impressed by the scenery. The sweeping rice paddies and bright greens took my breath away. I loved the feel of all the landscapes that they travelled across. The bamboo forest was one of my personal favorites. The buildings were gorgeous and the sets were very impressive. The colors were always bright and vivid, and it gave the movie a feel that everything around them was living and exsisting.

Though the world they exsisted in was beautifully fleshed out, I felt the characters fell short.
I understand the point of the two teachers (Jet Li, Jackie-chan) and the purpose for the American boy Jason (he was the chosen one to bring the staff to the Monkey God), but WHAT was the purpose of Golden Sparrow? She had little to no depth to her past being Jason’s love interest. My friend David summed it up pretty well. “She’s like a female Legolas. She quotes random crap that’s unimportant and looks pretty.”

Eventually her plan is to kill the Jade Emperor (which she fails miserably at,) but Jason kills him with Sparrow’s jade hairpen. Other than that, she really serves no purpose.

The most fleshed out character was Monkey. Jet Li played him beautifully. He had the quirks and characteristics of a monkey along with the jovial personality of the traditional character he was representing.

 There was also the White Haired Assassin. Though I liked her character a lot (and the mystical wind around her and NO one else) she also seemed to be left hanging in the development department. She spouts ‘wisdom’ about how men cast ‘lying spells’ on women. How they are liars, but the writers never go into how this hatred was formed in her person.

On the note of the White Haired Assassin, this movie could also be titled ‘Miserable Deaths.’
Everyone’s death sucked. Sparrow is thrown into a pillar (despite being beaten and thrown into pillars through the whole movie) and then the White Haired Assassin falls to her death after an entire movie of defying gravity. The Jade Emperor also dies by being stabbed by a thin hairpin made of jade. What, isn’t he the JADE EMPEROR? How can his NAMESAKE be his death?

All else aside; The Forbidden Kingdom is definately worth seeing. It isn’t the best movie in the world, but it is certainly creative and I would say it definately honors what it is trying to mimic. The plot is a bit cliche and so are the characters, but the movie flows fairly well (despite being a little boring in the middle, toward the end.) I think many people will be pleasantly surprised with The Forbidden Kingdom.
You shouldn’t go into it expecting a tear jerker. There are plenty of things to find funny (like Jet Li’s monk character constantly making poo jokes, and the slap stick of the two masters beating their student.) It’s a great movie that I think I won’t be watching again, seeing as twice was enough.

And as an extra note- The soundtrack is absolutely wonderful. A nice blend of 70s funk and shamisen. Yeah buddy.

I had a blog a few years back. Don’t worry about it, I’m not offended that you don’t remember it. I barely remember it myself.

I love being sick. I think I live for the moments when I have four day migranes, shivers and shakes, and random hotflashes followed by the shivers again. It’s like menopause, but for a young, usually healthy 18 year old girl.

I don’t think my illness was helped at all by walking around in the heat, in all black (like the absolute TOOL I am), around my future college campus for orientation.  It was a day of joy, with all the mystery of ‘am I going to barf by the time we get to the car or not?’

But I digress:

When I got home I was ready to unwind. I slept some, but woke up with an obnoxious amount of energy for someone who felt queasy. So I decided to get off my ass and find my DS, so I could continue to sit on my ass but with a productive twist.

Phoenix Wright is the best God damned game ever.

The Legend of Zelda is my favorite game, but it’s one of those series that you just understand it’s good. I don’t need to emphasize the fact that The Legend of Zelda is a damn good game, but for some reason people still think Phoenix Wright is some crazy sissy game.

Have you lost your mind?  

PEOPLE DIE IN PHOENIX WRIGHT.

 Nothing is sissy about a lawyer saving lives. No one thinks Dennis Leary is gay for being in a show about firefighters. No one thinks House is faggy (despite all the fanfiction out there; really people what is wrong with you?) And even after being in Walker; Texas Ranger people STILL don’t think Chuck Norris has The Gay.

Because Phoenix Wright takes place in a courtroom, people automatically assume there is no action. Of course there’s action. There’s murder, kidnappings, and general treachery afoot! Nothing is more nitty-gritty and dangerous than circus freaks trying to frame gay magician for the death of a ring master! IT’S BRILLIANT!

But seriously: As Phoenix you can go and investigate crime scenes, gather evidence, and make your case. To me Phoenix Wright is like a thriller. The storylines take more twists and turns than an M.Night film (though their twists and turns make a lot more sense) and the characters are so quirky, and their situations are so obscene, that you have to like them. Come on, one of the prosecutors is a chick with a whip. A CHICK WITH A WHIP!

Who the hell doesn’t like Phoenix Wright? You either haven’t played the game, or you’re just no friend of mine. Go and play Counter-strike or Halo, or some other gay ass ‘guy game’ to make yourself feel macho.

Hey, for those of you who have played Phoenix Wright, I totally figured it out. I bet Phoenix Wright was originally a fighting game. Come on, it’s Capcom here. Von Karma with her whip of perfection? Maya and Mia with their crazy psychicness? Matt Engarde? Come on you know some higher up said ‘Just put ‘em in suits! Fuck fighters, LAWYERS MAN. IT’S THE NEW THING.’